Hello...

   I really want everyone to know exactly where I feel that I am right now with God. I have been in such a battle lately with myself and with God because I have felt so dead inside. I feel like I am on this mission trip so that has to mean I am just totally on fire for God and everything is great but that is so not always the truth.

  

          I have been struggling for a while with not hearing God and not always feeling his presence. Last night as a group we were standing around outside doing some music worship

(I have to clarify what kind of worship because worship can be anything not just music). Anyways some people began to speak and say how they felt we had become apathetic and comfortable with where we are here at the Gateway and in our walks that it's as if we have lost our passion or just lost the willingness and the wanting to be pushed out of our comfort zone. As if we are just satisfied with where we are, what the daily schedule says and we are in our routine of life. I completely agree with what they were saying but for me it is a whole different battle.

 I feel lost in this desert storm..I have this image in my head of me laying in the desert crouched down into a ball with the blazing sun beating down on me and the sand and wind flying all around me. On both sides of me I see bright colors, tree's and bushes full of beauty and it's God's beauty I know it is. But I have these chains on me, chains that are not just heavy on my body but on all ends that have anchor's that have anchored me down in this desert. I felt so upset last night that I couldn't even pray out loud or sing a praise to God, these chains have had me so weighted down that I feel like my words don't even reach God. Which I do know is a total lie from the devil and I don't believe it but it's just feelings I have. So as everyone was praying and talking about all the apathy I felt I needed to go and talk with my leader Brittany ( we call her B). I began to tell her all that I am feeling and this fight  that I am in. She is truly an awesome listener and she never once made me feel bad for this desert I feel that I am in. I told her I feel so dead inside and she pointed out that I can't speak that lie over myselt because I am not dead inside, God is always moving in me. Which is so true though I struggle right now because I do not feel that I hear him or feel his presence over me I alwasy know he is with me. I never once in my day's of following him do I feel alone because I know he is  ALWAYS with me.

        But right now I must fight....I have told God out loud that I know right now I am in this desert and I am in this season of silence for a reason. I do not know the reason but he does, it is making me stronger and pushing my heart to seek him more. All I truly desire in my heart at this moment is to feel him and hear is direction for my life. I have told him I will not give up the fight no matter how long this desert storm may be I know it will pass and his beauty, bright colors and direction is waiting for me. If I can just wait out this storm.

 

It is so hard but this was said to me earlier in the week by a leader here he said "for a christian this is as bad as it can get" and that is so true. I praise God for my struggle because it will only make me stronger. So right now it is just about pushing through it, getting all things out of the way so that I can focus on what he is leading me to do.

 

                     Thank you for reading and for all of your prayers they are heavily felt...

            I love you all and God Bless!!